The Truth About Cheating

Is Your Husband Cheating? Study Shows Infidelity Can Run In the Family

Natalie — Tue, 14 Oct 2008 15:58:05 +0000

In his study on unfaithful men, M. Gary Neuman found that more than half of cheating husbands admitted they have immediate family members who cheated. By comparison, only 33% of faithful men in the survey reported they have family members who have cheated.

Incidence of Cheating in the Family

In his study of why men cheat, Neuman found:

53% of cheating men who have immediate family members who cheated
33% of faithful men who have immediate family members who cheated
28% of faithful men whose fathers had or were suspected of an affair
50% of cheating men whose fathers had an affair or were suspected of cheating
21% of cheating men whose fathers had multiple affairs
Only 8% of faithful men whose fathers had multiple affairs

Drawing from M. Gary Neuman’s extensive research on infidelity and dramatic case studies of unfaithful husbands, THE TRUTH ABOUT CHEATING includes practical strategies and quick action steps that help married women prevent infidelity and foster faithful, rewarding marriages.

About M. Gary Neuman

M. Gary Neuman (Miami Beach, FL) is a licensed family counselor and rabbi. His extensive media appearances include Oprah, the Today show, Good Morning America, The View, Dateline NBC, the NBC Nightly News, and the CBS Weekend News. Print coverage of Neuman and his work has appeared in the Washington Post, the Chicago Tribune, Time, People, Cosmopolitan, Parenting, and other publications.

QUIZ: Is He Cheating On You?

Natalie — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 16:32:09 +0000

Do you have a cheating husband? Find out by answering the following questions and reviewing the Answer Sheet.

I believe that my husband:

Feels he can communicate well with me

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
And I share the same values and/or interests

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Feels I am caring and thoughtful toward him

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree

Would say he feels appreciated by me

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Feels emotionally connected to me

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Thinks I lose my temper too much and would describe me as moody

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Feels other aspects of my life (e.g., children, career, community responsibilities, etc.) take priority over our relationship

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Finds me physically attractive

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Would like to have sex more often

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Finds the sex we have to be fulfilling

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Has been avoiding contact with me more over the last month or longer (with no obvious reason — e.g., he’s been traveling more than usual, been ill; if there is an obvious reason why he’s avoiding contact more of late, answer “Disagree”)

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Has spent more time away from over the last month or more (with no obvious reason — e.g., he’s been traveling more than usual; if there is an obvious reason why he ’ s avoiding contact more of late, answer “Disagree”)

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Has become increasingly critical the last month or more

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Has had diminished sexual activity with me over the last two months or more

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Has purchased gifts for me lately with no explanation for them and this is unlike him

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Has at least one very close friend who has cheated on his wife/girlfriend

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Has at least one immediate family member who has cheated on his wife/girlfriend

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Has a father who has cheated on his mother

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Has at least one coworker who has cheated

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Perceives his parents’ marriage as generally positive

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Has a generally positive relationship with his parents

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Has significant job-related pressures

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Has significant financial stress

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Has significant stress related to his or my family of origin

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree
Attends organized religious services regularly

Agree Disagree Strongly Agree Strongly Disagree

Answer Sheet

Circle the score that corresponds to your answer.

Question 1	Agree = 0	Disagree = 0	Strongly Agree = 1	Strongly Disagree = -1
Question 2	0	0	1	1
Question 3	2	-2	3	-3
Question 4	3	-3	6	-6
Question 5	1	-1	2	-2
Question 6	0	0	-1	1
Question 7	0	0	-1	1
Question 8	0	0	1	-1
Question 9	-2	2	-4	4
Question 10	1	-1	0	-2
Question 11	0	0	-1	1
Question 12	-3	1	-6	2
Question 13	0	0	-1	1
Question 14	-2	0	-3	1
Question 15	0	0	0	0
Question 16	-2	1	0	0
Question 17	-1	1	0	0
Question 18	-2	2	0	0
Question 19	0	0	0	0
Question 20	0	-1	2	-2
Question 21	0	0	1	-1
Question 22	0	0	0	0
Question 23	0	0	0	0
Question 24	0	0	0	0
Question 25	0	0	1	-1

Explanation:

If your score is in the range of -17 to -35, it is very unlikely your husband is cheating or will cheat on you. Keep doing what you’re doing and apply the principles outlined in the book to make your marriage even better.
If you score in the range of -21 to -16, you’re on shaky ground; you should be aware. Begin to cultivate a home culture of kindness, calmness, and appreciation. Slow it down. Make each other the focus. Eliminate the distractions that dilute intimacy. Have time for you so you can reenergize and develop your refreshed marital plan.
If your score is in the range of -22 to -42: crisis. He is at severe risk for cheating or already is cheating. Simultaneously work to improve the marriage as best you can while protecting yourself. Consider drastic measures from intensive marital therapy to conducting some surveillance as outlined in this book.
One caveat — regardless of your score, pay more attention to your risk factor if you checked “Strongly Agree” to both questions 12 and 14, as these are strong indicators of a marriage in trouble.

NOTE: No simple quiz can accurately take into account the unique circumstances inherent to every relationship. This quiz was developed based on the average couple’s experience and the results reported … It is meant to be the beginning of a conversation you may have with yourself and possibly your spouse. This [quiz] is a general baselines by which to measure your situation.

(From pages 38-42 of
The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It
by M. Gary Neuman )

Cheating Signs: How to Identify Infidelity

Natalie — Sat, 20 Sep 2008 17:41:59 +0000

You may have heard how to tell that a man is cheating, or maybe you can imagine what the signals might be … Here are the main clues you want to be acutely aware of.

Warning Signals of Infidelity

My research asked men to detail the warning signs they thought they gave their wives that hinted or told them they were close to an infidelity. I then asked them for warning signs that they were involved in infidelity.

He Spends More Time away from Home: 55 percent said more time spent away from home was a sign that they were close to infidelity, and it went up slightly to 61 percent when they were involved in infidelity. What’s quite fascinating is that the majority of the men started spending more time away from home before they cheated. This warning sign and the ones below indicate not only that your husband is cheating but are also a precursor to his cheating. If you can catch the signs in time you might avoid the pain of infidelity and be able to repair your relationship. It’s equally telling that during the affair 61 percent of the men spent more time away from home. Sometimes men will tell their wives to trust them because” I could cheat during my regular day if I wanted to.” Although it’s true that you can’t possibly keep tabs on your husband’s whereabouts during the workday, it still seems that cheating men find extra time to slip away from home, and not just during work hours. When you start to notice that your husband is spending less time at home, watch out and find out what’s going on with him. It’s worth discussing and trying to get him to articulate any dissatisfaction he may have in his life that causes him to want to spend less time at home or what new development has caused this sudden wanderlust. Remember, it’s not proof that he’s cheating, but it’s pretty clear that he’s close, and there should be no waiting on talking about changes to make your marriage better quickly …

You Have Sex Infrequently: The number two signal isn’t surprising although the numbers are: thirty – four percent of men reported diminished sexual activity as a sign they were close to infidelity, and it rose 43 percent once the infidelity was under way. Again, it’s noteworthy that 34 percent saw diminished sexual activity as a warning sign before any infidelity, telling you again that you can catch some of these signals before an affair or even unhappiness sets in. I did find it curious that only 43 percent said it was a signal of actual infidelity. You’d think there’d be a higher number if they’re already having sex outside the marriage. It could be that they weren’t having so much sex before, so it wasn’t much of a change once the infidelity began … 57 percent of cheating men will cheat and yet not have less sex with their wives, although the usual frequency could be once every couple of months in many struggling marriages. However, diminished sexual activity was still a large number, telling us that maintaining sexual consistency and frequency is essential for a healthy marriage.
He Avoids Contact with You: The next signal was” avoidance of contact (cell phone calls),” at 29 percent and dipping slightly to 24 percent once the infidelity began. The contact you have with your husband during the day, even if it is about the ordinary business of life, still helps you develop a general awareness of each other. His avoidance of your calls or desire not to spend time with you points to a desire to disconnect, whether he is conscious of it or not. Stay connected with little calls to say,” Hi, I love you” and “How is your day going?”
He Criticizes You More: “More criticism of wife” scored 25 percent but dipped to 19 percent once the infidelity began.Stephanie didn’t understand what was going on.” He used to love my cooking. My mother was Italian and he’d be proud of my ethnic dishes. All of a sudden, he was tired of my food and wanted me to’mix it up’a bit. I was insulted but I tried other things and he seemed okay. But then he started on me for how I was spending the money. Ever since we were married I took care of the finances because I have an educational background in finance. Now he was questioning me and looking over my shoulder. Suddenly, he didn’t like the way I was putting away our savings, and we had a huge fight over all of the changes he demanded.” Six months later Stephanie discovered her husband was cheating and funneling money to help out his mistress.
He Starts More Fights with You: 20 percent said they started more fights with their wives. Notice that criticizing their wives and starting more fights can be seen as very similar signals. Put them together and you have a large portion of men who were more harassing to their wives. Most cheating men spent more time away from home, avoided contact, and had less sex with their wives. These signals represented in changes in behaviors (and remember, they’re only significant if there are changes in these areas) seem to indicate that the warning signals will be about your husband disconnecting from you. When you feel your husband has changed into a person who is disconnected from you, it’s a sign of impending danger to your marriage.

Listen Closely—He May Tell You about the Other Woman

One final note is not something in my research, but a signal I’ve noticed many times in my work. Often, your husband will begin talking more and more about a woman, usually a colleague in the office or organizational board. He’ll tell you they had lunch or ran into each other somewhere else and that her family went to such and such a place for vacation and her kids loved it. Your husband thinks you guys should go there for your next vacation. Since he hasn’t had sex with her he’s not hiding the relationship with her. But as he becomes friendlier you need to remember that most cheating occurs with friends, not one – night stands just for sex. So your husband might be telling you about his potential mistress straight to your face. He may even want you to meet her. Beware of admiring comments and begin to consider what needs to happen in your marriage so that your husband seems as excited to hear your ideas as those of his newfound friend.

(From pages 43-48 of
The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It
by M. Gary Neuman)

Message from M. Gary Neuman, author of The Truth About Cheating

Natalie — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 15:50:04 +0000

Listen to M. Gary Neuman’s message here:

Divorce vs. Marriage: When to Stay and When to Leave

Natalie — Thu, 18 Sep 2008 16:33:16 +0000

Only you can decide when to stay and when to leave. And no one needs to judge you. If you want to stay in a marriage where you don’t feel you have the security you need after your husband has cheated, you still have the right to stay with him. You can still give it time and see if you can develop something better “for the sake of the kids.” But don’t tell yourself everything is okay and wonderful when it isn’t. Don’t put your heart and soul in a vulnerable position unless you are sure things have significantly changed. You can stay as long as you want in your marriage, but if you entrust your husband with your vulnerability and he has not given you reasons to be trusted, then you are making a very unhealthy emotional move … You deserve to take care of yourself.

To any woman who has experienced a husband who’s cheated on her, my strongest suggestion is to get professional help. The emotional volatility of an affair makes it very hard for spouses to discuss it properly and move on without the assistance of a trained, objective third person. Please don’t use the following guidelines as an alternative to proper psychotherapy but rather as an aid to recreating your relationship.

There are two key ingredients that must be present to properly heal a marriage after an affair:

A remorseful spouse. When the spouse who has had an affair doesn’t fault himself, there’s little point in going further. How can the betrayed partner open up emotionally and become vulnerable to a spouse who doesn’t feel he’s done anything wrong? Sometimes he might say, “But the marriage was so awful …“ The answer is that he should have sought help from a therapist or clergyman, or maybe he should have divorced first. Even that would have made this a different scenario. But to blame cheating on anything else other than his own selfish indulgences will leave you completely distrustful and on such constant alert that you’ll never want to sleep with him again.
The certainty that it’s over. The pain can’t begin to heal when your husband is still involved with someone else. Nor can a healthy return to marriage begin. The first issue is helping your straying husband find the motivation and understanding to commit to fully returning to the marriage. This is not always so simple. Many men have fallen in love with a different woman, and even though they say they’d like to make it work with their wives, they feel stuck because they still need the other woman. There is an understandable issue here. If he hasn’t already broken it off with the other woman, he might be willing to for the sake of the marriage but he might feel quite sad for some time as he gets “over her. “This can be a constant reminder to an already struggling wife. But if it is truly over and he is truly remorseful, it is worth giving it time for him to deal with his sadness and find a renewed, healthier relationship with you.

But if he remains in the least bit involved with the other woman (even just phone calls, still working on projects together at work, “friendly “coffee), then it just ain’t over. I never ask any woman in my office to put any effort into connecting with her husband if I know that he is still in some way actively involved with the woman with whom he cheated. How can I ask her to jump hurdles and keep hope and faith without a firm active commitment from her husband? I’m all for one person leading the way but this is not possible under those circumstances. The extramarital relationship must end — physically, emotionally, and sexually.

(From pages 194-196 of The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It by M. Gary Neuman)

THE OTHER WOMAN: Married Men that Cheat Meet the Other Women at Work

Natalie — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 15:25:46 +0000

In THE TRUTH ABOUT CHEATING, experienced family counselor and author M. Gary Neuman reveals the findings of a research study in which he interviewed and studied 200 men – one hundred cheaters and one hundred non-cheaters. According to THE TRUTH ABOUT CHEATING, nearly half of the cheating men reported meeting their mistresses at work. Neuman found that in his 20 years of helping couples, the identity of the other woman is rarely a surprise to the wife. The husband would often mention his mistress by name, as men often do about coworkers.

In his study of why men cheat, Neuman found that:

40% of cheating men met their mistress at work
17% of cheaters met their mistress in the neighborhood
3% met their mistress online

Drawing from the M. Gary Neuman’s extensive research on infidelity and dramatic case studies of unfaithful husbands, THE TRUTH ABOUT CHEATING includes practical strategies and quick action steps for married women that will help them prevent infidelity and foster faithful and rewarding marriages.

About M. Gary Neuman
M. Gary Neuman (Miami Beach, FL) is a licensed family counselor and rabbi. His extensive media appearances include Oprah, the Today show, Good Morning America, The View, Dateline NBC, the NBC Nightly News, and the CBS Weekend News. Print coverage of Neuman and his work has appeared in the Washington Post, the Chicago Tribune, Time, People, Cosmopolitan, Parenting, and other publications.

Are You Pushing Him Into the Arms of Another Woman?

Natalie — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 16:58:57 +0000

According M. Gary Neuman, author of THE TRUTH ABOUT CHEATING , the number one reason why men cheat is emotional dissatisfaction. Only 8% of cheating husbands cited sexual dissatisfaction as their reason for infidelity. Men claimed they didn’t feel “appreciated” or “wanted” or that they found themselves in a “no-win situation.” This feeling of under-appreciation and lack of thoughtfulness far outweighed any other reason for infidelity.

In his study of why men cheat, Neuman found that:

11% cited lack of communication
10% said my wife and I no longer share the same values
12% said my wife often lost her temper

Few events cause as much turmoil in a marriage as infidelity and, while many books have explored the feelings and experiences of wives whose husbands have been unfaithful, the question of why men cheat has remained largely unexamined.

Drawing from the author’s extensive research on infidelity and dramatic case studies of unfaithful husbands, THE TRUTH ABOUT CHEATING includes practical strategies and quick action steps for married women that will help them prevent infidelity and foster a faithful and rewarding marriage.

8 Steps Unfaithful Husbands Should Take Before Their Wives Take Them Back

Natalie — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 15:58:07 +0000

According to THE TRUTH ABOUT CHEATING, there are eight steps cheating men MUST take before their wives can take them back. Some are obvious and others are surprising but necessary for healing after an affair:

Apologize for infidelities
Be willing to listen – Let your wife have the opportunity to share her pain
Discuss the affair – Only discuss details that refer to the issue of how the affair came about. Sharing too much can be harmful to reconciliation
Change your lifestyle – Both spouses should put thought and energy into understanding why the affair happened and how to avoid letting it happen again
Discuss the changes you feel are required from your spouse
Be prepared to make changes to your life, even if you believe they did not contribute to the infidelity
Commit to a long period of healing – It takes many months, up to a year, for a spouse to relax and trust a partner who has had an affair
Remember that rebuilding trust will be achieved through your loving focus

Drawing from M. Gary Neuman’s extensive research on infidelity and dramatic case studies of unfaithful husbands, THE TRUTH ABOUT CHEATING includes practical strategies and quick action steps that help married women prevent infidelity and foster faithful, rewarding marriages.

About the author
M. Gary Neuman (Miami Beach, FL) is a licensed family counselor and rabbi. His extensive media appearances include Oprah, the Today show, Good Morning America, The View, Dateline NBC, the NBC Nightly News, and the CBS Weekend News. Print coverage of Neuman and his work has appeared in the Washington Post, the Chicago Tribune, Time, People, Cosmopolitan, Parenting, and other publications.

Cheating Men Confess: What Sort of Marital Dissatisfaction Contributed to My Infidelity?

Natalie — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 20:38:17 +0000

48%—Primarily emotional dissatisfaction
32%— Equal emotional and sexual dissatisfaction
12%—Other/no dissatisfaction
8%—Primarily sexual dissatisfaction

Overall:
59%—Dissatisfaction in marriage was emotional
29%—Dissatisfaction in marriage was sexual
12%—Other

(From page 17 of The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It by M. Gary Neuman)

Secrets of Successful Marriages

Natalie — Wed, 03 Sep 2008 10:10:07 +0000

Here’s a simple secret that I’ve shared with thousands of couples in therapy and in my seminars: successful couples accentuate the positive and diminish the negative, and failed couples accentuate the negative and diminish the positive. Failed couples tend to think that their failure is justified because of the spouse they married. They perceive successful couples as having an easy life, less stress, and fewer issues than what they’ve experienced. This is the number one falsehood of the failed couple. Successful couples shoulder just as many issues, whether they be financial hardships, work – related stress, childrearing issues, illnesses, and challenges with in – laws, but their system of dealing with it is an extremely different model, and that’s what makes them successful.

Successful couples:

Recall and keep in mind the good things that are happening in the relationship
Realize that sometimes their spouses have an issue and therefore don’t take every negative thing the spouse might do or say too personally.

Spouses in a successful marriage walk away from a fight and think, “How long am I going to be angry about this stupid issue? He’s been so nice,” “He’s been off his game lately because he’s been so stressed,” “Just yesterday he did take a little extra time to be with me …”

Spouses in a failed marriage walk away from a fight thinking things like, “How dare he,” “What’s he done lately to show me any kind of love,” “So what if he’s stressed, so am I and isn’t everyone,” or “He doesn’t talk to his mother that way.” This spouse doesn’t make the effort to excuse any behavior by recalling some of the nice things her husband did or why he may be acting this way that has nothing to do with her.

Surely I don’t mean to imply that the successful couple does nothing else but excuse a fight. But a successful couple immediately diminishes the negative, gets over the fight quickly, and the offended spouse more often than not gets a sincere apology because the other spouse is so appreciative that his mistake wasn’t blown up into World War III. Men commonly dig in to their point of view further when met with hostility and punitive actions. If a wife decides to stay angry at her spouse and give him the silent treatment and no sex or affection for a bit, her actions tend to do anything but get him to come around. Men tend to get angry and try to become punitive themselves when feeling punished for something they did that they’ve perceived as not that big a deal.

The successful couple comes back toward one other with an attitude of “I don’t want to go on and on with this. Let’s just apologize and please understand what bothered me.” This attitude will almost always turn your husband into an appreciative spouse who can then admit to his wrongdoing as you’ve perceived it and even commit to giving you more of what you want in the future. The successful couple is often back in bed that night making love and deciding that they’ll take some badly needed “couple time” in the next day or so to remedy the little hiccup. Successful couples are coming toward each other because they’ve remembered the good in the relationship even though there’s some bad, as in the failed couple’s relationship. They remembered that they’re married and love each other. They have to make it work and why waste the time being angry? They allow themselves to feel the love that has been built in the relationship over the years — the positive — instead of keeping foremost in their minds all of the hardship they’ve had to struggle with.

Successful couples attack problems, not each other. They view the problem as a blameless entity and don’t waste time on guilt.

The failed couple is entrenched in negativity. They don’t want to give each other a single break. They’re sick and tired, and not because it’s gone on for years — they were sick and tired early on too. They never knew how to move through a fight, and since they held on to the fight and punished each other, they never made a resolution.

After a while there is a point at which each couple builds a history. The successful couple builds a history based largely on the happy times, the positive. The fights don’t stick out so much in their memory because they weren’t ongoing and punitive. The failed couple has spent years on a roller coaster and every time another fight occurs they connect the dots to every other fight that has continued to lie just under the radar. Remember that men are emotional beings who react well to kindness and appreciation. They can say they’re sorry and understand your feelings. They can do it all emotionally if given the chance, and for them that chance comes with your focusing on the positive.

Successful Couple Model

Recall and keep in the mind the good things in the relationship.
Don’t take spouse’s negativity too personally.
Remember that the effort for change shows the greatest love even though it may take a while to reach your ultimate marital goals.

(From pages 151-154 of The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It by M. Gary Neuman)