In his study on unfaithful men, M. Gary Neuman found that more than half of cheating husbands admitted they have immediate family members who cheated. By comparison, only 33% of faithful men in the survey reported they have family members who have cheated.
Incidence of Cheating in the Family
In his study of why men cheat, Neuman found:
53% of cheating men who have immediate family members who cheated
33% of faithful men who have immediate family members who cheated
28% of faithful men whose fathers had or were suspected of an affair
50% of cheating men whose fathers had an affair or were suspected of cheating
21% of cheating men whose fathers had multiple affairs
Only 8% of faithful men whose fathers had multiple affairs
You may have heard how to tell that a man is cheating, or maybe you can imagine what the signals might be … Here are the main clues you want to be acutely aware of.
Warning Signals of Infidelity
My research asked men to detail the warning signs they thought they gave their wives that hinted or told them they were close to an infidelity. I then asked them for warning signs that they were involved in infidelity.
He Spends More Time away from Home: 55 percent said more time spent away from home was a sign that they were close to infidelity, and it went up slightly to 61 percent when they were involved in infidelity. What’s quite fascinating is that the majority of the men started spending more time away from home before they cheated. This warning sign and the ones below indicate not only that your husband is cheating but are also a precursor to his cheating. If you can catch the signs in time you might avoid the pain of infidelity and be able to repair your relationship. It’s equally telling that during the affair 61 percent of the men spent more time away from home. Sometimes men will tell their wives to trust them because” I could cheat during my regular day if I wanted to.” Although it’s true that you can’t possibly keep tabs on your husband’s whereabouts during the workday, it still seems that cheating men find extra time to slip away from home, and not just during work hours. When you start to notice that your husband is spending less time at home, watch out and find out what’s going on with him. It’s worth discussing and trying to get him to articulate any dissatisfaction he may have in his life that causes him to want to spend less time at home or what new development has caused this sudden wanderlust. Remember, it’s not proof that he’s cheating, but it’s pretty clear that he’s close, and there should be no waiting on talking about changes to make your marriage better quickly …
Only you can decide when to stay and when to leave. And no one needs to judge you. If you want to stay in a marriage where you don’t feel you have the security you need after your husband has cheated, you still have the right to stay with him. You can still give it time and see if you can develop something better “for the sake of the kids.” But don’t tell yourself everything is okay and wonderful when it isn’t. Don’t put your heart and soul in a vulnerable position unless you are sure things have significantly changed. You can stay as long as you want in your marriage, but if you entrust your husband with your vulnerability and he has not given you reasons to be trusted, then you are making a very unhealthy emotional move … You deserve to take care of yourself.
In THE TRUTH ABOUT CHEATING, experienced family counselor and author M. Gary Neuman reveals the findings of a research study in which he interviewed and studied 200 men – one hundred cheaters and one hundred non-cheaters. According to THE TRUTH ABOUT CHEATING, nearly half of the cheating men reported meeting their mistresses at work. Neuman found that in his 20 years of helping couples, the identity of the other woman is rarely a surprise to the wife. The husband would often mention his mistress by name, as men often do about coworkers. Continue Reading »
According M. Gary Neuman, author of THE TRUTH ABOUT CHEATING, the number one reason why men cheat is emotional dissatisfaction. Only 8% of cheating husbands cited sexual dissatisfaction as their reason for infidelity. Men claimed they didn’t feel “appreciated” or “wanted” or that they found themselves in a “no-win situation.” This feeling of under-appreciation and lack of thoughtfulness far outweighed any other reason for infidelity. Continue Reading »
According to THE TRUTH ABOUT CHEATING, there are eight steps cheating men MUST take before their wives can take them back. Some are obvious and others are surprising but necessary for healing after an affair:
Apologize for infidelities
Be willing to listen – Let your wife have the opportunity to share her pain
Discuss the affair – Only discuss details that refer to the issue of how the affair came about. Sharing too much can be harmful to reconciliation
Change your lifestyle – Both spouses should put thought and energy into understanding why the affair happened and how to avoid letting it happen again
Discuss the changes you feel are required from your spouse
Be prepared to make changes to your life, even if you believe they did not contribute to the infidelity
Commit to a long period of healing – It takes many months, up to a year, for a spouse to relax and trust a partner who has had an affair
Remember that rebuilding trust will be achieved through your loving focus
48%—Primarily emotional dissatisfaction 32%— Equal emotional and sexual dissatisfaction 12%—Other/no dissatisfaction 8%—Primarily sexual dissatisfaction
Here’s a simple secret that I’ve shared with thousands of couples in therapy and in my seminars: successful couples accentuate the positive and diminish the negative, and failed couples accentuate the negative and diminish the positive. Failed couples tend to think that their failure is justified because of the spouse they married. They perceive successful couples as having an easy life, less stress, and fewer issues than what they’ve experienced. This is the number one falsehood of the failed couple. Successful couples shoulder just as many issues, whether they be financial hardships, work – related stress, childrearing issues, illnesses, and challenges with in – laws, but their system of dealing with it is an extremely different model, and that’s what makes them successful. Continue Reading »
